My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
You Might Also Like
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Breaking news:
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
SPLOOT
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw