*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.