Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog