me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*