I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation