My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse