*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.