Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Not today.. 😂
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.