Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
we’re gonna need another temp
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.