therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Running from your problems is cardio .
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Yup
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours