Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
incredible text to wake up to
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?