Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.