[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You Might Also Like
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there