You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I put the p in pants.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat