robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*