When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Buck naked
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
my one true gender
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.