Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
this is the best day of my life
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…