Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Why is everyone getting married at me