I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.