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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My typo game is string.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
podcasts
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.