At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.