When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured