so much to do
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.