My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”