haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.