Adultry does not sound fun at all
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
❤️🦆
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Oh yeah that’s it
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total