Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You Might Also Like
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.