New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway