hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
For anyone who needs this today
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much