I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
You Might Also Like
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
This kid is going places
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Said the murderer.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day