The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.