The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If only
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.