Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Otters see a butterfly.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking