Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?