My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.