People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
All excellent questions
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.