If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Van Gone
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
nature’s most graceful animal
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.