I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
bro what is going on at twitter
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now