[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?