At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
You Might Also Like
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes