Did you file your cat correctly today?..ππππ
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Photographer: Ok, letβs get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they wonβt need any of you anymore
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: Noβ¦Cooking
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. π
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
flight attendant: sir u canβt bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Dads be like, βPicked out the t-shirt Iβll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.β
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if Iβm innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man youβre sooooo going to get fired.
βRobots are going to take your jobβ yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
2022 will be better than 2021
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
iβm vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.