If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now