Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Dietest Coke
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.