George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.