[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
can’t believe I got front row seats
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
my retirement plan is braless
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.