I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house