me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
You Might Also Like
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore