We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
mmm onion ringos
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.