The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.