What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Just a bush.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I am all good here, 😂😉
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”